To My Younger Self | Annie Basson

(I wrote this on the 27th January 2018)

To My Younger Self,

First of all, you'll turn out ok. You'll go through so many things that'll make you question what you're doing, why you're doing it and why you constantly go against the advice everyone else gives you (especially advising you to quit the whole YouTube and Blogging thing). You'll have people question what you love doing, but you need to be stubborn... no that's the wrong word, determined and brave enough to stand your ground and continue believing your gut feeling; It'll lead to a business idea that you can't wait to fulfil.

You'll start out loving school, you still do, but some people will make you wish the lessons would never end. To solve this, you'll get into creative writing, writing the stories no one have written before, the stories that you, and people like you, can relate to. You'll be advised by a poet to get into blogging, LISTEN TO HER! Blogging will become something you'll want to pursue as a career, so please, please, PLEASE don't listen to the those who say it's weird and abnormal because this is what makes you special and stand out (people will soon love you for it, even if it feels that it'll take forever for them to do so).

You'll also start volunteering, although in Key Stage 2 (ages 7 to 11) you have no idea what that is, you'll make so many kids have a friend you felt you never had because of what that bully did over so many years; one of the girls you helped will soon come to the same secondary school as you, where you continue to help her (she'll even look up to you and refer to you as her adopted sister - which will melt your heart every time she says it, even if you don't see yourself as this "inspiring person").

You'll do independent projects so you had an excuse to stay at home, away from this bully. You'll want to run away and think everyone would prefer it if you lived far, far away... however, your family will make you feel so loved and you'll want to do everything with them. Every BBQ, every Christmas, every holiday with your family and extended family will be more special than the last. They will be the people always there for you which will make you want your Year 13 Photography coursework to be based on your family, family photos etc. because you love being sentimental and want to acknowledge all they've done for you - which you can never put in words, nor repay them for how much they've been there for you. Even if they never realised, they were the perfect cure for one of the most hellish experiences in your life, which felt wouldn't end.

You'll have many, many friends (and some people who didn't treat you as a friend but made you believe that they were). You'll feel lost but will have your first real best friend for the whole of your GCSEs, who was basically not only your therapist, who heard you out, but also a tutor who if you didn't have you'll probably would've failed most of your exams. She'll be one of the best things in your life, supporting you through your YouTube "phase" and will listen to the past that still scarred you 'til this day, whilst leaving a lot of lasting memories that'll stay with you for a lifetime. Granted you were mean during an argument that ended the friendship, just know you will soon talk to her, but she doesn't hate you. You need to forgive yourself for sour words you said years ago, you were upset, hurt and angry, yes it wasn't good but remember you were lost and scared to lose yet another person who you saw as a best friend - you both will end up ok, she helped you so much, don't forget to thank her before it's too late.

It'll take until your final year of Sixth Form until you realise how many friends you've actually got (it's a lot more than what you first think). Yes, it's taken since Primary School to heal scars that shouldn't have been there in the first place, but you'll have friends who constantly reassure you a thousand times that you're still loved and that even when you feel alone, you're "stuck" with wonderful people who are your friends, even if you ask them if you are still friends, they'll be patient enough and always answer honestly to help you. Be constantly grateful and tell them how much you love them, thank them (even if it's so much that they say you don't have to, but you are so honoured to have them, you feel they need to know... always).

We both know that you have hopes and dreams, but that you're afraid to get too close to someone because you're scared they'll leave. Annie, people come into your life for a purpose, enjoy each and every moment and try not to be too anxious that they might leave (because that can create an uncomfortable tone in the friendship, I promise you, the right people won't leave purposely). 

When you get to Sixth Form, you'll meet a wonderful group of people, people who understand how you feel and are so understanding that you are so grateful to have them in your life. They'll be the ones who suggest fun days out but that you feel comfortable to do (like going to a local ice cream parlour and ice skating - both which you now know are you two favourite places), some are outside of your comfort zone but don't feel you have to do that if you're not ready. When you're ready you know.

You'll try so many new things, such as talking to new people, go places and try new things that used to terrify you, that you don't regret doing. For example, NCS; you'll constantly talk about it, but you gained friends, confidence and motivation for a career and to be yourself. You'll feel confident to apply to be head girl (although you didn't get it, you'll be so proud that you felt you could), you'll volunteer many hours in the library, some people may joke about it, but seeing the difference you can make by making a group, helping teachers etc. gives you so much pride in making such an impact in a place you once were reluctant to go to.

When you first joined the school, you couldn't wait to leave your troubles behind, although you didn't want to leave, you wanted to go so the pain would too. You'll get the strange feeling of many people who would miss you if you leave because of what you do whilst volunteering in the library (as a friend once recently said, "popularity isn't everything, you have so many kids who look up to you so take a step back and see the impact you're making").

It may feel like you have a long way to go, but stop... you've come such a long way. Granted you've lost a lot of people, but you've gained so many friends (they've always been there but you're only just starting to recognise them completely), they make you feel confident and loved, you'll laugh and smile truthfully for the first time in such a long time, it feels nice and refreshing, so fill your life with these people as much as you can. Most of them will move away for university or life will just happen, but even if they are hours away, don't hesitate to message them to ask how they are. They'll miss you, just as much as you miss them. Don't be sad that they're moving away, be excited for them because they'll come back to see you before you know it, they're following their dreams, just as you are.

So, Annie, even if it takes longer than you hoped, you definitely have friends for life now. Even if you argue, you'll get through it, you'll talk about it and you'll get closer and closer each time. Your "life plan" after school will keep changing but the idea stays the same - you've always wanted to help people and be creative so find anything that allows you to complete these. Just know, you're loved, you always have been, your friends and family will remind you every second of every day if you need to, but they do love you for you.

You are ok, you've been through so much bad stuff but remember good things are starting to be there more often, but it's made you into the strong person that you are. Follow your dreams and pursue what you want to do with your life, surround yourself with amazing people instead of wasting time around those who want you to change. You are beautiful, you are imperfect (which makes you perfectly you). Don't question where life will take you, God's plan is already made, just trust Him, you'll get to where you want to in your own time.

Annie, keep being the crazy weirdo that you are!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This post was inspired by Gabbie Hanna's video (see here) and by my close friends who have been there for me recently (I hope you know who you are, otherwise, I don't thank you enough aha). 

Thank you to all my family and friends (no matter if we still talk or not), I'm so grateful to have each and every single one of you in my life, thank you for everything!

Annie Xxx

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: 
(written on 16th April 2018)

I just re-read it for the first time (it's the same day as this goes up) and a lot has changed in those 4 months - I'll talk about it more. Since then I've joined an amazing campaign powered by incredible people, who I'm now proud to call my friends (click here to go to the official website) and I spent a few months with really bad mental health (more posts about that will hopefully be posted within the next few months, I want to feel ready first). 

Most of what I wrote still applies. I almost cried re-reading it because I could've written it yesterday, but I wrote it before my mental health got worse than it was. I hope to write more about mental health and be more personal on my blog, but I'll still post DIYs and "vlogger"-like content. I'll just be posting more of what I want because why be scared to anymore? I still want to write a book about it all at some point, so why not start now.

My aim with blogging was always to help others going through what I did (it still is, it hasn't changed), little did I know it'll help me too. Honestly, it's scary (because I know friends and family read my blog and they don't know everything), but my honesty will hopefully help so many people.

I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope you look forward to this more honest look on my blog.

Thank you for all the support!
Annie Xxx

Comments

Popular Posts